Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.