KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.