My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
50 shades of grey = my Liver
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.