Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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What the hell happened here.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Can. I. Help. You.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally