When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks