When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
when the buffet is more honest than your date