Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.