9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Every damn time
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping