*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany