Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens