Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Made something I’m not proud of
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.