“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
im 7 sauces long
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.