:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.