I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
any last words?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.