(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
water it, i dare you
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.