I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
normalize having existential bread
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I need to update my racial profile.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.