*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Friday night party time 🥳
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered