*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I believe the plural is “milves.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.