My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Very problematic
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee