If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer