If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?