If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Knock Knock