[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Close call…
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.