[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.



My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is


God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?


Fish: just on the land or something?


I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.