When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*aggressively waits in line*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Mission: Impossible