he’s doing your taxes
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
good for her
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?