Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
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Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.