How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
You Might Also Like
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Mouse
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.