If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
inventing words: clothing
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier