@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Still cracks me up
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.