GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,