When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
You Might Also Like
Namaste
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger