“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
You Might Also Like
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.