Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.