Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
our love story in four pictures
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]