Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.