*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’m sorry…what?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!