My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
courtroom exchange of the day
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Meowchelangelo
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Nothing to do, you say?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked