Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.