No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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