*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!