[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos