Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You Might Also Like
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
pelicons
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.