me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
For anyone who needs this today
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
How I’d get arrested…
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what