I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
No laws when master is gone
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I am all good here, 😂😉
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.