Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button