“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds