[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
This cat wants you to take your pills
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.