Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
You Might Also Like
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
That 👊
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes