If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body