no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears