Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!