Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.