Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
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piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
i think both sides are to blame here
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I can’t stop watching this.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”