My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy